Dear Carley
by IzzyandDesRoxSox
Summary: After Carley's death, Lee writes 'letters' to her from his mind as if she is still there. Almost as if she can somehow still hear him... Carley/Lee with a mention of Christa/Omid. Slight AU.


_Author's Note: This is based off the infamous Avengers fanfic, 'Dear Natasha', in which Clint (Hawkeye) writes letters to his love Natasha (Black Widow) after a mission gone wrong leaves her in a coma. It's that 'one fanfic' that more or less makes you want to kill yourself with angst. On top of that, there is a fan song written about the fanfic with the same title (or the song may alternately be called 'Dearest Natasha')._

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_Summary: After Carley's death, Lee writes 'letters' to her from his mind as if she can still somehow hear him. Carley/Lee This is slightly AU in that the train ride lasted a few days as opposed to its less shorter time._

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_Dearest Natasha_

_Autumn's arrived_

_Let me just hold your hand tonight_

_Dearest Natasha_

_Open your eyes_

_Give me a chance to say I love you and goodbye_

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Dear Carley,

It still hasn't crossed my mind that you're really gone for good. I mean, I'm aware that it happened, but I don't think it's truly sunk in quite yet. It hasn't hit Clementine yet either, in fact I think she's a bit unfazed at the moment, a bit like when Mark died. But it'll hit her and me soon enough, I know it, I'm just not prepared for it. Not like there's anything we can prepare for in this world anymore except for the worst.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

We've been traveling in the RV for the past few hours, going farther and farther away from you with each passing minute. I can't help but think I've abandoned you. There's been others before who've been in the same position, and I've frequently assured them that they did all they did all they could. Yet with you, I feel like I didn't. I feel like I've failed you. I couldn't protect you, I should've protected you, I should've done something.

It's funny, because there's no one here to tell me anymore that I did all I could. You're the likes who probably would, but I don't think you'd say so with me. In fact, are you disappointed in me? I don't blame you at all if you are.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I don't think I ever told you this, but the morning after your death I woke up and turned to my side expecting to see you there. I nearly even said out loud your name.

That RV didn't really get smaller in numbers, but suddenly it felt so damn lifeless and hollow by the difference.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I… I don't think I can really write much today

Katjaa and Duck have probably already explained everything to you by now.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I'm sorry for abandoning you in that letter. I'm sorry for abandoning you again. I'm sorry for everything.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

We've come across a few new faces lately, although this hardly the time to have a welcome party. But one particular couple struck out the most to me in my mind; they're called Christa and Omid. I'm a little wary of strangers these days, but they seem like good people. Not going to lie, they're an odd match too, polar opposites of each other actually. But I've never seen two people go along so well together. I don't mean to stare at times, but it's always the littlest of loving gestures that they share together that just… it just makes me wonder.

Do you think… maybe we could've been like that?

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

Clementine misses you a lot and its starting to show a bit, she's less cheery which kills me on the inside. I can't help but think that even if I spend the rest of my life protecting her and keeping her alive, will she really still be the same? I mean, still actually 'living' and being so bright and compassionate? I understand that in this world we all must change and make sacrifices, but giving up a child's innocence and happiness? There's no line in this world anymore to be drawn to say 'that's too much'?

I know the answer to that already though. I just don't want to acknowledge it.

She happened to ask me if I miss you too. I… I couldn't really answer that.

But I think we all know what I would've said anyways.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

You once told me Autumn was your favorite season. It was when the days were crisp cool, when things could be taken easy in a more relaxed atmosphere, when you could do the littlest things like sit back and enjoy a hot cup of coffee and a slice of pumpkin pie. Sometimes you'd sit out and watch the leaves fall on the colorful mix of red and orange trees or take long walks.

You also told me that you surprisingly liked rainy days. Not when it was thundering with cats and dogs, but not a light drizzle either. Just simple average rainfall with the grey skies and the sound of droplets dancing on the roof.

Today on this Autumn day, it rained a simple rain.

I thought of you.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

Today Clementine happened to find a pair of dead batteries lying around, God knows why or how she even found them to begin with. But she showed them to me, simple little double A's, used up long ago.

I thought she was showing them to me thinking they were useful for something like her walkie talkie, or maybe make a weapon out of the acid inside.

But then it hit me she was trying to make me laugh about the joke between us.

So with her, I laughed until I nearly cried.

Later alone, I just nearly cried.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

It hit me today.

That you're gone for good.

And I think that feeling hurts more than any broken leg or bullet wound or worse physical injury in the world.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I never even got the chance to say goodbye to you, did I?

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

Am I even doing the right things anymore? Am I really making the right decisions? With what little we all have left, we all are desperately clinging on to the little things that still make us human. Because I know that if we give up that piece of ourselves, then we're more or less dead anyways.

Did I do the right thing leaving Lilly behind? Acting out in the moment of anger and vengeance? When all I could see was red and all I could hear was your dying breath?

Or being the one to put Duck out of his misery?

Anything I've ever done so far… am I losing myself for good? What would you have done? What would you say? What do you still think of me?

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

You ever experience a moment in life where you've got something good- no- amazing? But you don't realize that until it's gone? When you realize you'll never have the chance to say the most beautiful words; "I have you"? I… I'm sorry. I'm just rambling now.

- Lee

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Dear Carley,

I had a terrible dream about you last night. I know it was only a dream, but yet it felt so real. You were standing before me dressed in a simple white gown, reaching out to me, smiling sweetly. But when I approached you, you suddenly scratched by cheek and began to laugh maliciously. You kept telling me I was failure, you showed me the faces of everyone I ever lost.

_'You were never there for your brother, and you were a disappointment in your parents eyes before they died_.' You'd laughed. '_You couldn't save Doug! Larry was right! You are a good for nothing- it's not even surprising that you failed to save him! And you abandoned Mark, damming him to be a walker for the rest of a cruel life! If you weren't such a shitty shot maybe Duck wouldn't have gotten bitten and then ruin Katjaa's life! And boy oh boy were you some help to Lilly!'_

Suddenly on your face, your beautiful face, there was a single bullet sized wound on your cheek. Blood began to pour down it, streaming down your face and staining the dress which isn't just a gown. It's a wedding dress.

_'That little girl is as good as dead the longer she stays with you. After all, look what happened to me! YOU DID THIS TO ME LEE! NOT LILLY! YOU!' you screamed, with such hateful eyes. ' Oh… And by the way…'_

With a cruel giggle you add; _'Sam never loved you. And neither. Did. I. Why would I ever love a failure?'_

And suddenly, just like that, you were gone and instead was a hungry walker in the wedding dress waiting to lash out at me.

I nearly awoke screaming, startling Clementine awake. I know you would never truly say those words.

But that doesn't mean they're not true. Not all of them.

I am a failure, Carley. Admit it.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I'm sorry I haven't 'written' to you in a while. I just… I guess just needed some time to myself. I don't know. A lot has happened, but it's all in the past now. I can't look back anymore, I just can't afford to.

I'm going to assume that from up above you already saw it all anyways.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

A place like Crawford certainly brings out the worst in humanity. It makes you wonder if the worst is really all that that one person is. Like this place, or the St. John's, or… anyone really.

It's just horrible, Carley. We've gotten to a point where we've seen so much that we shouldn't be surprised anymore. We should be anticipating the worst we can imagine.

But I'm still left in disbelief. Not everyone is corrupted. Not everyone is ruined by the world.

But then again, it seems to be the good souls that die these days.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

It happened.

I can't believe it. God, no… I…

Clementine's been taken. The boat, our only hope, has been stolen.

And…

I've been bit.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to her. I can't protect her anymore, time's running out. I've failed her, Carley, just like I failed you.

I'm so sorry.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

Does… does it hurt? Dying?

I know it's selfish to wonder about such things but it isn't like I can just tap dance around the subject. It's the inevitable, slow coming future for me that I have to accept.

It didn't hurt you, did it? I imagined it was just quick and easy. In the blink of an eye, since no one even saw it coming.

Is it like falling asleep? The actual moment I mean.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I may be doomed, but God knows I will not let the same happen for Clementine.

I'm going to find this fucker and tear him apart. I don't care if I have to cut through armies of walkers. I don't care if I have to journey through the deepest circle of Hell and back.

I love her.

And in the end, you've still got my back. Right?

Because I love you too.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I'm sorry for never saying it.

I'm sorry for always apologizing because of regret.

I'm sorry that I couldn't save you.

I'm sorry that I failed everyone.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I know this sounds extremely childish and really cheesy, but do such things as guardian angels exist?

If so, I'd just… I'd hope to be one for Clementine. So in some way I can still keep her safe.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

Death is like a slow coming, painful, approaching sleep.

I can't give up…. But I feel so tired…

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I've got her. I've got Clementine back. I've made sure that fucker will never touch her ever again.

But still I know it's not enough.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I'm still here. I love you.

-Lee

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Dear Carley,

I'm coming home.

Wait for me, baby?

-Lee

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